The Long Journey....

About two weeks after I left my husband it was already becoming apparent that he had no desire to reconcile and try to make our marriage work.  He had already moved in with his girlfriend and was not even attempting to talk to me.  My dad and I decided we needed to get some legal advice even if I wasn't ready to file for divorce.  I remember sitting in the attorneys waiting room thinking, "This cannot be happening to me!"  We talked to the attorney for a little while and it soon became apparent that if I wanted to have control over what happened to my sons, I would have to be the one to file first.  I wrestled with it for a couple of days and after praying and talking to my dad, I decided to go ahead and file and see if he responded and what his reaction would be.  


I filed the papers on what would have been our eighth wedding anniversary.  The absolute feeling of loss that came over me enveloped me in what seemed like a thick black curtain.  I couldn't eat, sleep, or feel any semblance of happiness.  I would lay on the floor by the front pew of our church trying to pray and feeling like my prayers were bouncing off of the ceiling and hitting me on the head.  I felt like God had completely forgotten me.  He hadn't but it seemed that way at times.  At night I would feel like I couldn't breathe from the weight that was on me.  Deep inside I really just wanted to die.  But because of my two beautiful little boys, I got up every morning, went to work (more on that later), came home and took care of them, went to church, still played the piano and sang, all the while feeling like a part of me had died.  And it had.  But I wouldn't let myself grieve.  I just kept pushing.  I have wonderful parents who were my rock during this time and still continue to be that for me.  Because none of my immediate family or friends had gone through a divorce, we didn't realize how important it was to grieve for the death of my marriage.  We thought that by staying extremely busy with work, kids, church, and anything else I could do, I would be ok.  This would eventually catch up to me a year later.  


I had people in my church criticize me for filing for divorce and so soon after separating.  This was devastating for me.  I needed their support but instead I was receiving their criticism.  I received more support from my co-workers during this time than I did from my own church family.  They were amazed I was still functioning and not half nuts and supported me every day.  It taught me something about church people in general.  Divorce was still then and even today looked at as something shameful.  I was horrified about what people would think of me.  God quickly began to show me even though divorce was not what he had planned for me, because of the choices my husband had made, I had biblical grounds for my divorce and that it was not something I had to be ashamed of.  He began to open avenues for me to share my story and through sharing, I began to heal emotionally and mentally.  


So my thought for this post is if you are going through a divorce, it is ok to grieve.  Yes staying busy will keep you distracted but you also need to face what is happening and realize that you have to grieve your loss.  Don't let others (especially those who have never gone through it) tell you that you have to be strong.  Sometimes its not possible and tears have a way of washing our souls and bringing healing to our hearts.  Also don't be afraid to share what you are going through.  You will be amazed how much relief you will feel by sharing with someone else.  


Remember you are beautiful and God has a plan for your life in the middle of what seems like devastation.  You can make it!