My worst nightmare came true a little over six years ago. I was the daughter of a well known UPC pastor, married to who I thought was the love of my life with two great little boys, very involved in our church, and well on my way to happily ever after. In the winter of 05-06 we moved to a new town and things began to unravel. Very soon it was obvious that my husband had met someone else and was becoming involved with them. For 8 months I tried to ignore it and tried to make things work but in the end all the effort was basically for nothing. I left, moved back to the town where my dad was the pastor of our church, filed for divorce, and tried to begin to understand what had gone wrong. In my head I knew what had happened but my heart didn't want to believe it. For two months I believed that maybe we could work things out but soon it was very obvious that he had already moved on. In future posts I will tell details of what happened in the first year and then up until the present and how I moved through each new challenge of divorce.
About a month after separating from my ex, I was sitting in my parents den reading an article about a young girl who had severe scoliosis of the spine. Her mother didn't want her to have an experimental surgery to possibly straighten her spine because there was a strong possibility she could die from the surgery. The young girl looked at her mother and began to list the things she could not do because of her disability and then finally said to her mother, "Mom, some things are worse than death." I sat frozen, thinking about that phrase, and realizing how right she was. As devastating as it would have been, having my husband die and having to say goodbye to him would have been so much easier than what was taking place in my life. With death there wouldn't have been divorce papers to sign, custody arrangements to agree to, splitting up our belongings, and having to know that the person who once said they would love no one but you had rejected you for someone new. So really death would have been easier. For those of you who maybe have lost a loved one to death, please don't think I am trivializing your pain at all. It is horrible to lose a loved one to death. My prayers are with you.
So in my opinion divorce is worse than death. With divorce there is no memorial service to a marriage that died a horrific death. There is no head stone to visit and remember the wonderful times you shared. There is only the everyday reminder to what you lost and what you will never have again.
Do I regret getting married? No. I learned so much from the eight years we were together. I also have the two most awesome boys a mother could ever ask for. They are 11 and almost 10 years old and my source of unconditional love and support every day.
I hope if you are reading through this blog and you are going through a divorce that something I say will help in some small way. Your situation may not be the same but the pain is definitely going to be the same. Please feel free to comment on things that might have helped you or something you have a question about. I want my experiences to help someone else to know you are not alone in what you are surviving and you can make it one day at a time!
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