Breathing Through the Pain.....

I remember when I was in labor with my oldest son and it was a long, hard labor.  I was not one of those super women who do this naturally.  I wanted the drugs and as fast as they could give them to me.  :-)  But unfortunately the epidural did not work on me.  It would numb parts of my body and the ones it wouldn't I would feel all of the labor pains even more intensely.  It is 17 hours I will never forget as long as I live.  Because of all the complications, my body was determined to not work correctly and after only dialating to 8 cm, my body thought it was time for me to have the baby which sent my son into fetal distress with his heart rate dipping into the 50's which for any of you who have had babies know this is very dangerous.  Thankfully I had the best OBGYN and he had me into the operating room before I could blink, delivering my son via C-section and saving both of our lives.  I remember though during those last couple of hours before delivering him that the pain was so very intense that I could not even think, talk or breathe.  I had a nurse who was pretty tough but she literally never left my side during those hours.  When I would start to hyperventilate, she would get right in my face and tell me to breathe.  "Breathe through the pain, Candice," she would almost yell at me.  And because of this I could snap back to breathing and not pass out.  She probably had more to do with saving me than the doctor did at that moment.

There are so many times in our lives that painful things occur.  Wether it is spousal problems, family issues, children, friends, or just life, sooner or later we deal with things that make us think the pain will kill us.  And our first reaction to that pain most of the time is to retreat into our selves, seperate from others, basicallly we just won't figuratively breathe.  We start to hyperventilate and think this is never going to end.  What we don't realize is that this is just making the pain worse.  We hold that pain inside of us until we pass out emotionally and mentally.  When if we would just breathe through that pain, we could let go of it so much sooner. 

I experienced this again just recently.  I had been in a situation that had brought me both joy and grief.  It had taught me to be happy again but was also weighing me down emotionally and mentally.  I finally began to pray for God to break the hold in the situation.  I didn't realize when God did this how much it would actually hurt.  When God started changing the situation, I began to feel like I was losing something very special to me.  Even though it had caused me pain, the pain of losing it was even worse.  I remember standing in my bathroom and feeling the waves of emotional pain wash over me day after day.  And then one day God brought back what had happened when I was in labor with my son.  I simply felt the words, "Breathe through the pain, Candice."  Tears came swift and fast but so did a peace that I had not had in many months.  I was passing out emotionally from the pain of loss and God had to remind me to breathe again. 

Whatever pain you might be dealing with in your life, remember to breathe.  Literally and figuratively.  You may not even realize what you are holding inside until you take that first big breath and let go of it.  When you breathe literally, you release stress and tension you are holding in your body that can cause all kinds of physical problems.  When you do this mentally, you will start to release that pain that has been emotionally tormenting you for far too long.  God's desire for you is to have peace even in painful times. 

One of my favorite scriptures is Isaiah 26:3-4.  "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.  Trust ye in the Lord for ever: for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength:"  He promises if we will keep our minds on him and not on the pain of our situations, he will give us perfect peace.  What a beautiful promise we can hold onto during apinful times in life.

So wherever you are today remember, breathe through the pain......You can make it and you will be stronger for it!

When The Slipper Doesn't Fit Anymore......

Well, it's been a couple of months since I posted last on here.   A crazy, hectic couple of months.  School term ended....spring break for both me and my sons.....my grandmother had a coronary episode which led to open heart surgery and my mother had to go be with her so that meant me starting back to school and helping out in my sons christian school since my mom is the one who runs it.   And it is also my last term for most of my general classes so my class load was crazy.....aggggggh....yes that was me you heard screaming at the beginning of April.....lol.  But God was good and brought my "mamaw" through her surgery and now she is on the road to recovery and hopefully going home soon from rehab.

So I know the title of this post brings to mind my favorite fairy tale and Disney movie, "Cinderella".  And yes some days I feel like I am living the Cinderella life in reverse.  I had the fairy tale wedding and prince and now I am living as the step daughter with life as the wicked step mother.  Now I'm waiting for that mythical fairy godmother to come back around for another chance at the fairy tale.

A couple of days ago I was cleaning out my shoes....yes ladies, every once in a while we need to clean them out if only to make room for more new ones....lol.  I came across one of the shoes I had worn in my wedding.   It definitely was a Cinderella slipper.  Off white with a glass high heel filled with pearls, so delicate and still so beautiful.  It brought back so many memories that I can now recall without too much pain.  I decided to try it on knowing it would not fit because after having children, my feet grew a whole shoe size.  But the romantic in me wanted to put it on and have it fit again.  Naturally it did not but while I was sitting there, God dropped this thought into my mind.

So many times in our life, especially those of us who have gone through a divorce or losing a spouse, we hold onto things that we would really be much better off without.  We tell ourselves we have moved on but parts of our heart still are occupied by feelings for the one who left us.  Usually they are not loving feelings.....more than likely they are feelings of hurt and anger.  But what about those who can't let go of the love they had for their spouse?  Many times they feel like they are being a good person by hanging onto those feelings and not letting them go.  They think to themselves that if they continue to love them, maybe there is a chance that the relationship or marriage can be repaired.  And sometimes God does allow that to happen.  But more often than not this is a very rare occurrence in life.  So what do we do with these feelings especially when they cause us to feel even more abandoned and rejected?

While I was sitting on the edge of my bed holding onto that Cinderella slipper that I had not been able to let go of, God spoke this thought to my heart.  "Candice, the slipper doesn't fit anymore.  Let it go and move on to what I have next for you."  I literally had to let go of the slipper so I took it and put it in the goodwill bag I had sitting in the floor of my bedroom.  Several times I was tempted to go get it out and keep it but every time I would try that same thought would come back.  So I tied up the bag, loaded it in to my car and off to goodwill I went and am so glad I listened to God because since I did this God has begun to talk to me about the future and it looks to be exciting.

If you are one of those people who don't like change, you might be like one of the step sisters that tried and tried to stuff their feet into the glass slipper and it would never work.  Sometimes we outgrow things in our life.  And yet we try to hold onto these things trying to stuff our lives into it and all it does is make us miserable.  There is only one Cinderella for every slipper.  If your life isn't working out in what you are trying to fit it into, it might be time to try and new slipper.  It can be scary to change your life up but if you are being guided by God, he will walk through every change with you and hold your hand through every new experience.  Don't let your fear of the unknown steal what could be an amazing new opportunity in your life.

So what do you do when your slipper isn't physical but feelings?  This is when taking it to God each and every day comes in.  Every day picture and garbage bag in your mind and put those feelings in them and tell God that you want Him to take them and replace them with the future He has planned for you.  It may not happen overnight but one day you will wake up and realize that you no longer have to put those feelings in the garbage bag, they are gone for good.  It will almost be startling when you realize how much you will look forward to the future when the past is not weighing you down.  When I was thinking about all of this, the scripture in Philippians 3: 13-14, "Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus."  In order to move forward into the future God has for us, we must first leave the past where it belongs.....IN THE PAST!  Whatever feelings or emotions you cannot get past, God will give you the strength and peace to deal with and overcome.  He never promised it would be easy, he just promised it would be worth it.


So when the slipper of life doesn't fit anymore, don't argue and fret and try to fit your proverbial foot into it, take it over the the goodwill bag, put it in, and walk away knowing God has a wonderful future in store for you!

Memories and New Beginnings.....

Today we celebrated Wy's 10th Birthday which he turns on Monday.  It was a strange but amazing day.  Also sad because my baby is turning 10 and very much not a baby anymore.  He is still so sweet and gives so much love and I hope he always stays that way.  I love you my precious Wyatt Edward.

Celebrating today took me back to the day he was born.  Since I was unable to have Wes naturally, I was scheduled for a C-section from the time I knew I was expecting Wy.  I had not planned on anymore children due to how difficult my pregnancy was with Wes but God had other plans.  Two and a half weeks before my scheduled C-section, I went into labor so they put me into the hospital and took him early.  I remember laying in the operating room with his dad sitting beside me waiting to see what I knew would be my last child.  Because of physical problems the doctor said I would not be having anymore children.  When they lifted Wy up over the sheet that blocked my view, I fell in love in an instant with the adorable round faced dark haired baby boy that had entered my life.  He was a momma's boy from day one and still is.  The love I felt for him was completely different than what I felt for my oldest but yet somehow I knew I would love them both for as long as I would live.

Since the divorce, my ex and I have always celebrated birthdays for the boys separately.  For some reason this year when I started planning Wy's party I felt like I should ask him if he would like me and his dad to do a party for him together.  He was so excited so I asked his dad if he would like to do that and he agreed.

So today for the first time in six years, my son was able to celebrate his birthday with both his mom and dad, both sets of grandparents, friends from both sides of the family, and his new baby sister.  Every time his dad and I were there with him, his face would light up.  He is the only one of the boys that has ever told me that he wished me and his dad were still together.  He still deals with wanting a complete and whole family instead of a broken one.

So why do this and put myself through having to be in the same room with the man who cheated on me.  The woman who he cheated with.  The baby they now have together.  Why?  Because seeing the smile on my baby's face was so worth the stress it put on me mentally.  Knowing that future events like graduations and weddings can be civil and even nice affairs for my kids.  Knowing that this is another new beginning.  Today began a completely different relationship with my ex than I have ever had.  There is a glimmer of light that someday in the future we even might be friends.  For me this is huge.  I had always thought we would be mortal enemies until the day one of us dies.  While things will never be perfect, there is a chance that eventually the pain will not always be what rules our relationship but instead a mutual concern for our children and care of each other.

No it is not easy some days and I know there will be more rough days ahead.  But I survived today and I feel stronger emotionally for it.  Even though I am writing this with tears rolling down my face, they are good tears, healing and renewing.

So my thought for today is.....if you have children and you are going through a divorce, your pain is not the only pain happening.  While you may want to erase your spouse from the face of the earth and move on, your child cannot.  That will always be their parent.  They can't move on to a new dad or mom.  Especially if they are a little older.  So when you feel the pain and the urge to eliminate the other parent, remember your child still needs them.  You may hate them right now but a time will come when those feelings will be gone and if you plant that feeling in your child, it may stay in them for a lifetime.  Give your child the freedom to love the other parent.  Let them know it is ok.  Don't put them in the middle of your hurt.  It is the greatest gift you can give your child during this painful time.  When you do this, you leave the door open for their to be at least a civil if not amicable relationship between you and your ex.

It's never easy and you will pay the price, but when you reach the day I did today and you see that beautiful smile lighting up your child's face as you and your ex work together to make it a great day for them, you will know it has been worth it.

Praying for you all.......

When Grace Kicks In.....

It's been six years since the divorce and you would think that I would be past some of the pain.  WRONG!  I found out last summer that my ex and is wife were expecting a baby.  At the time I thought I was ok with it.  It really didn't affect me so I assumed it wouldn't in the future.  WRONG!  My sons were excited that they were going to get a new baby sister.  From day one I had made the decision that they would never hear me talk bad about their dad or step-mom.  I knew people that had ruined their children's relationships with the other parents during divorce and how devastating that was for the children.  Even though things their dad was doing was hurting me, I wanted my children to know that I still cared about him as their father and we could have a civil relationship.  (This has not always worked and I've made MANY mistakes but I am still working on it an I've seen God work miracles here.)


So when I got a very excited call last Friday from my oldest telling me that the baby was coming, I was almost shocked at the anger and resentment that rose up in me.  I was at school and I barely made it home before the very angry tears started.  I was so frustrated with myself.  Shouldn't I be past feeling any kind of sadness and resentment towards him?  Apparently not!  I spent the better portion of that afternoon trying to figure out where the pain and anger was coming from.  I definitely was not wanting him back and DEFINITELY was not wanting any more children.  Finally, the Lord began to talk to me and show me that even though I don't miss him anymore, I miss the idea of the perfect family.  A dad, mom, and kids.  And since he has already moved on in that area of his life and  I have not, it is painful to watch.  I had promised the boys that I would take them to the hospital when the baby came and we would get presents to take with them.  At this point I was so not ready to do this!  


So this is where grace kicks in.  Someone told me that God did not give you grace for a situation until you are actually IN the situation.  It would be nice if He prepared you before hand but that's not how
He works.  So even though I didn't want to be involved in this situation of watching my ex with his new baby, I reluctantly dragged myself off to the store with Wes and Wyatt to buy presents for their new little sister.  I want to be a good example to my sons so I knew having an attitude about this would not let them have a good experience.  


Walking into that hospital room was almost surreal.  There were people there who used to go to church with me and my ex.  They looked at me like I was crazy.  I thought to myself, "Yeah, I feel a little nuts right now too."  I wasn't sure what to expect but I knew I had to be the bigger person.  My sons were enthralled with their new little sister.  She is very precious.  Before we left, I found myself talking to their step-mom. asking how she was doing and sharing some of my post-birth experiences.  My ex asked me if I wanted to hold her, and even though part of me wanted to run from the room, I took that sweet little girl in my arms and knew that God was doing something in me.  


I knew this was the grace of God.  In my own strength, I could never have done this.  But through God I was able to show not only my ex and his wife, but others who have left my church that forgiveness is a lifestyle not a one time thing.  Even though I wanted to feel resentment and anger, God has given me a love for a little girl who will be a big part of my sons life and therefore my life.  It doesn't always make sense, but the peace that comes with submitting to the grace of God is worth the experience you have to go through.


Not everyone will have to go through this experience, but there will be those awkward, "What do I do?" moments.  It's in these moments that the grace of God becomes your strength and compass to guide you through another experience of divorce.  


While both horrifying and amazing, this experience has taught me that the pain isn't over nor will it completely ever be but His grace will walk with me through it and make me victorious in Him.

The Long Journey....

About two weeks after I left my husband it was already becoming apparent that he had no desire to reconcile and try to make our marriage work.  He had already moved in with his girlfriend and was not even attempting to talk to me.  My dad and I decided we needed to get some legal advice even if I wasn't ready to file for divorce.  I remember sitting in the attorneys waiting room thinking, "This cannot be happening to me!"  We talked to the attorney for a little while and it soon became apparent that if I wanted to have control over what happened to my sons, I would have to be the one to file first.  I wrestled with it for a couple of days and after praying and talking to my dad, I decided to go ahead and file and see if he responded and what his reaction would be.  


I filed the papers on what would have been our eighth wedding anniversary.  The absolute feeling of loss that came over me enveloped me in what seemed like a thick black curtain.  I couldn't eat, sleep, or feel any semblance of happiness.  I would lay on the floor by the front pew of our church trying to pray and feeling like my prayers were bouncing off of the ceiling and hitting me on the head.  I felt like God had completely forgotten me.  He hadn't but it seemed that way at times.  At night I would feel like I couldn't breathe from the weight that was on me.  Deep inside I really just wanted to die.  But because of my two beautiful little boys, I got up every morning, went to work (more on that later), came home and took care of them, went to church, still played the piano and sang, all the while feeling like a part of me had died.  And it had.  But I wouldn't let myself grieve.  I just kept pushing.  I have wonderful parents who were my rock during this time and still continue to be that for me.  Because none of my immediate family or friends had gone through a divorce, we didn't realize how important it was to grieve for the death of my marriage.  We thought that by staying extremely busy with work, kids, church, and anything else I could do, I would be ok.  This would eventually catch up to me a year later.  


I had people in my church criticize me for filing for divorce and so soon after separating.  This was devastating for me.  I needed their support but instead I was receiving their criticism.  I received more support from my co-workers during this time than I did from my own church family.  They were amazed I was still functioning and not half nuts and supported me every day.  It taught me something about church people in general.  Divorce was still then and even today looked at as something shameful.  I was horrified about what people would think of me.  God quickly began to show me even though divorce was not what he had planned for me, because of the choices my husband had made, I had biblical grounds for my divorce and that it was not something I had to be ashamed of.  He began to open avenues for me to share my story and through sharing, I began to heal emotionally and mentally.  


So my thought for this post is if you are going through a divorce, it is ok to grieve.  Yes staying busy will keep you distracted but you also need to face what is happening and realize that you have to grieve your loss.  Don't let others (especially those who have never gone through it) tell you that you have to be strong.  Sometimes its not possible and tears have a way of washing our souls and bringing healing to our hearts.  Also don't be afraid to share what you are going through.  You will be amazed how much relief you will feel by sharing with someone else.  


Remember you are beautiful and God has a plan for your life in the middle of what seems like devastation.  You can make it!

What Brought Me Here

Strange title for a blog?  Don't worry, I thought the same thing too when it popped into my head.  Let me explain who I am and what brought me here and it might begin to make more sense.

My worst nightmare came true a little over six years ago.  I was the daughter of a well known UPC pastor, married to who I thought was the love of my life with two great little boys, very involved in our church, and well on my way to happily ever after.  In the winter of 05-06 we moved to a new town and things began to unravel.  Very soon it was obvious that my husband had met someone else and was becoming involved with them.  For 8 months I tried to ignore it and tried to make things work but in the end all the effort was basically for nothing.  I left, moved back to the town where my dad was the pastor of our church, filed for divorce, and tried to begin to understand what had gone wrong.  In my head I knew what had happened but my heart didn't want to believe it.  For two months I believed that maybe we could work things out but soon it was very obvious that he had already moved on.  In future posts I will tell details of what happened in the first year and then up until the present and how I moved through each new challenge of divorce.

About a month after separating from my ex, I was sitting in my parents den reading an article about a young girl who had severe scoliosis of the spine.  Her mother didn't want her to have an experimental surgery to possibly straighten her spine because there was a strong possibility she could die from the surgery.  The young girl looked at her mother and began to list the things she could not do because of her disability and then finally said to her mother, "Mom, some things are worse than death."  I sat frozen, thinking about that phrase, and realizing how right she was.  As devastating as it would have been, having my husband die and having to say goodbye to him would have been so much easier than what was taking place in my life.  With death there wouldn't have been divorce papers to sign, custody arrangements to agree to, splitting up our belongings, and having to know that the person who once said they would love no one but you had rejected you for someone new.  So really death would have been easier.  For those of you who maybe have lost a loved one to death, please don't think I am trivializing your pain at all.  It is horrible to lose a loved one to death.  My prayers are with you.  

So in my opinion divorce is worse than death.  With divorce there is no memorial service to a marriage that died a horrific death.  There is no head stone to visit and remember the wonderful times you shared.  There is only the everyday reminder to what you lost and what you will never have again.  

Do I regret getting married?  No.  I learned so much from the eight years we were together.  I also have the two most awesome boys a mother could ever ask for.  They are 11 and almost 10 years old and my source of unconditional love and support every day.  

I hope if you are reading through this blog and you are going through a divorce that something I say will help in some small way.  Your situation may not be the same but the pain is definitely going to be the same.  Please feel free to comment on things that might have helped you or something you have a question about.  I want my experiences to help someone else to know you are not alone in what you are surviving and you can make it one day at a time!