When Grace Kicks In.....

It's been six years since the divorce and you would think that I would be past some of the pain.  WRONG!  I found out last summer that my ex and is wife were expecting a baby.  At the time I thought I was ok with it.  It really didn't affect me so I assumed it wouldn't in the future.  WRONG!  My sons were excited that they were going to get a new baby sister.  From day one I had made the decision that they would never hear me talk bad about their dad or step-mom.  I knew people that had ruined their children's relationships with the other parents during divorce and how devastating that was for the children.  Even though things their dad was doing was hurting me, I wanted my children to know that I still cared about him as their father and we could have a civil relationship.  (This has not always worked and I've made MANY mistakes but I am still working on it an I've seen God work miracles here.)


So when I got a very excited call last Friday from my oldest telling me that the baby was coming, I was almost shocked at the anger and resentment that rose up in me.  I was at school and I barely made it home before the very angry tears started.  I was so frustrated with myself.  Shouldn't I be past feeling any kind of sadness and resentment towards him?  Apparently not!  I spent the better portion of that afternoon trying to figure out where the pain and anger was coming from.  I definitely was not wanting him back and DEFINITELY was not wanting any more children.  Finally, the Lord began to talk to me and show me that even though I don't miss him anymore, I miss the idea of the perfect family.  A dad, mom, and kids.  And since he has already moved on in that area of his life and  I have not, it is painful to watch.  I had promised the boys that I would take them to the hospital when the baby came and we would get presents to take with them.  At this point I was so not ready to do this!  


So this is where grace kicks in.  Someone told me that God did not give you grace for a situation until you are actually IN the situation.  It would be nice if He prepared you before hand but that's not how
He works.  So even though I didn't want to be involved in this situation of watching my ex with his new baby, I reluctantly dragged myself off to the store with Wes and Wyatt to buy presents for their new little sister.  I want to be a good example to my sons so I knew having an attitude about this would not let them have a good experience.  


Walking into that hospital room was almost surreal.  There were people there who used to go to church with me and my ex.  They looked at me like I was crazy.  I thought to myself, "Yeah, I feel a little nuts right now too."  I wasn't sure what to expect but I knew I had to be the bigger person.  My sons were enthralled with their new little sister.  She is very precious.  Before we left, I found myself talking to their step-mom. asking how she was doing and sharing some of my post-birth experiences.  My ex asked me if I wanted to hold her, and even though part of me wanted to run from the room, I took that sweet little girl in my arms and knew that God was doing something in me.  


I knew this was the grace of God.  In my own strength, I could never have done this.  But through God I was able to show not only my ex and his wife, but others who have left my church that forgiveness is a lifestyle not a one time thing.  Even though I wanted to feel resentment and anger, God has given me a love for a little girl who will be a big part of my sons life and therefore my life.  It doesn't always make sense, but the peace that comes with submitting to the grace of God is worth the experience you have to go through.


Not everyone will have to go through this experience, but there will be those awkward, "What do I do?" moments.  It's in these moments that the grace of God becomes your strength and compass to guide you through another experience of divorce.  


While both horrifying and amazing, this experience has taught me that the pain isn't over nor will it completely ever be but His grace will walk with me through it and make me victorious in Him.

The Long Journey....

About two weeks after I left my husband it was already becoming apparent that he had no desire to reconcile and try to make our marriage work.  He had already moved in with his girlfriend and was not even attempting to talk to me.  My dad and I decided we needed to get some legal advice even if I wasn't ready to file for divorce.  I remember sitting in the attorneys waiting room thinking, "This cannot be happening to me!"  We talked to the attorney for a little while and it soon became apparent that if I wanted to have control over what happened to my sons, I would have to be the one to file first.  I wrestled with it for a couple of days and after praying and talking to my dad, I decided to go ahead and file and see if he responded and what his reaction would be.  


I filed the papers on what would have been our eighth wedding anniversary.  The absolute feeling of loss that came over me enveloped me in what seemed like a thick black curtain.  I couldn't eat, sleep, or feel any semblance of happiness.  I would lay on the floor by the front pew of our church trying to pray and feeling like my prayers were bouncing off of the ceiling and hitting me on the head.  I felt like God had completely forgotten me.  He hadn't but it seemed that way at times.  At night I would feel like I couldn't breathe from the weight that was on me.  Deep inside I really just wanted to die.  But because of my two beautiful little boys, I got up every morning, went to work (more on that later), came home and took care of them, went to church, still played the piano and sang, all the while feeling like a part of me had died.  And it had.  But I wouldn't let myself grieve.  I just kept pushing.  I have wonderful parents who were my rock during this time and still continue to be that for me.  Because none of my immediate family or friends had gone through a divorce, we didn't realize how important it was to grieve for the death of my marriage.  We thought that by staying extremely busy with work, kids, church, and anything else I could do, I would be ok.  This would eventually catch up to me a year later.  


I had people in my church criticize me for filing for divorce and so soon after separating.  This was devastating for me.  I needed their support but instead I was receiving their criticism.  I received more support from my co-workers during this time than I did from my own church family.  They were amazed I was still functioning and not half nuts and supported me every day.  It taught me something about church people in general.  Divorce was still then and even today looked at as something shameful.  I was horrified about what people would think of me.  God quickly began to show me even though divorce was not what he had planned for me, because of the choices my husband had made, I had biblical grounds for my divorce and that it was not something I had to be ashamed of.  He began to open avenues for me to share my story and through sharing, I began to heal emotionally and mentally.  


So my thought for this post is if you are going through a divorce, it is ok to grieve.  Yes staying busy will keep you distracted but you also need to face what is happening and realize that you have to grieve your loss.  Don't let others (especially those who have never gone through it) tell you that you have to be strong.  Sometimes its not possible and tears have a way of washing our souls and bringing healing to our hearts.  Also don't be afraid to share what you are going through.  You will be amazed how much relief you will feel by sharing with someone else.  


Remember you are beautiful and God has a plan for your life in the middle of what seems like devastation.  You can make it!

What Brought Me Here

Strange title for a blog?  Don't worry, I thought the same thing too when it popped into my head.  Let me explain who I am and what brought me here and it might begin to make more sense.

My worst nightmare came true a little over six years ago.  I was the daughter of a well known UPC pastor, married to who I thought was the love of my life with two great little boys, very involved in our church, and well on my way to happily ever after.  In the winter of 05-06 we moved to a new town and things began to unravel.  Very soon it was obvious that my husband had met someone else and was becoming involved with them.  For 8 months I tried to ignore it and tried to make things work but in the end all the effort was basically for nothing.  I left, moved back to the town where my dad was the pastor of our church, filed for divorce, and tried to begin to understand what had gone wrong.  In my head I knew what had happened but my heart didn't want to believe it.  For two months I believed that maybe we could work things out but soon it was very obvious that he had already moved on.  In future posts I will tell details of what happened in the first year and then up until the present and how I moved through each new challenge of divorce.

About a month after separating from my ex, I was sitting in my parents den reading an article about a young girl who had severe scoliosis of the spine.  Her mother didn't want her to have an experimental surgery to possibly straighten her spine because there was a strong possibility she could die from the surgery.  The young girl looked at her mother and began to list the things she could not do because of her disability and then finally said to her mother, "Mom, some things are worse than death."  I sat frozen, thinking about that phrase, and realizing how right she was.  As devastating as it would have been, having my husband die and having to say goodbye to him would have been so much easier than what was taking place in my life.  With death there wouldn't have been divorce papers to sign, custody arrangements to agree to, splitting up our belongings, and having to know that the person who once said they would love no one but you had rejected you for someone new.  So really death would have been easier.  For those of you who maybe have lost a loved one to death, please don't think I am trivializing your pain at all.  It is horrible to lose a loved one to death.  My prayers are with you.  

So in my opinion divorce is worse than death.  With divorce there is no memorial service to a marriage that died a horrific death.  There is no head stone to visit and remember the wonderful times you shared.  There is only the everyday reminder to what you lost and what you will never have again.  

Do I regret getting married?  No.  I learned so much from the eight years we were together.  I also have the two most awesome boys a mother could ever ask for.  They are 11 and almost 10 years old and my source of unconditional love and support every day.  

I hope if you are reading through this blog and you are going through a divorce that something I say will help in some small way.  Your situation may not be the same but the pain is definitely going to be the same.  Please feel free to comment on things that might have helped you or something you have a question about.  I want my experiences to help someone else to know you are not alone in what you are surviving and you can make it one day at a time!