When Grace Kicks In.....

It's been six years since the divorce and you would think that I would be past some of the pain.  WRONG!  I found out last summer that my ex and is wife were expecting a baby.  At the time I thought I was ok with it.  It really didn't affect me so I assumed it wouldn't in the future.  WRONG!  My sons were excited that they were going to get a new baby sister.  From day one I had made the decision that they would never hear me talk bad about their dad or step-mom.  I knew people that had ruined their children's relationships with the other parents during divorce and how devastating that was for the children.  Even though things their dad was doing was hurting me, I wanted my children to know that I still cared about him as their father and we could have a civil relationship.  (This has not always worked and I've made MANY mistakes but I am still working on it an I've seen God work miracles here.)


So when I got a very excited call last Friday from my oldest telling me that the baby was coming, I was almost shocked at the anger and resentment that rose up in me.  I was at school and I barely made it home before the very angry tears started.  I was so frustrated with myself.  Shouldn't I be past feeling any kind of sadness and resentment towards him?  Apparently not!  I spent the better portion of that afternoon trying to figure out where the pain and anger was coming from.  I definitely was not wanting him back and DEFINITELY was not wanting any more children.  Finally, the Lord began to talk to me and show me that even though I don't miss him anymore, I miss the idea of the perfect family.  A dad, mom, and kids.  And since he has already moved on in that area of his life and  I have not, it is painful to watch.  I had promised the boys that I would take them to the hospital when the baby came and we would get presents to take with them.  At this point I was so not ready to do this!  


So this is where grace kicks in.  Someone told me that God did not give you grace for a situation until you are actually IN the situation.  It would be nice if He prepared you before hand but that's not how
He works.  So even though I didn't want to be involved in this situation of watching my ex with his new baby, I reluctantly dragged myself off to the store with Wes and Wyatt to buy presents for their new little sister.  I want to be a good example to my sons so I knew having an attitude about this would not let them have a good experience.  


Walking into that hospital room was almost surreal.  There were people there who used to go to church with me and my ex.  They looked at me like I was crazy.  I thought to myself, "Yeah, I feel a little nuts right now too."  I wasn't sure what to expect but I knew I had to be the bigger person.  My sons were enthralled with their new little sister.  She is very precious.  Before we left, I found myself talking to their step-mom. asking how she was doing and sharing some of my post-birth experiences.  My ex asked me if I wanted to hold her, and even though part of me wanted to run from the room, I took that sweet little girl in my arms and knew that God was doing something in me.  


I knew this was the grace of God.  In my own strength, I could never have done this.  But through God I was able to show not only my ex and his wife, but others who have left my church that forgiveness is a lifestyle not a one time thing.  Even though I wanted to feel resentment and anger, God has given me a love for a little girl who will be a big part of my sons life and therefore my life.  It doesn't always make sense, but the peace that comes with submitting to the grace of God is worth the experience you have to go through.


Not everyone will have to go through this experience, but there will be those awkward, "What do I do?" moments.  It's in these moments that the grace of God becomes your strength and compass to guide you through another experience of divorce.  


While both horrifying and amazing, this experience has taught me that the pain isn't over nor will it completely ever be but His grace will walk with me through it and make me victorious in Him.